Monday, September 14, 2015

Dating in your 30s is like...


Dating in your 30s (in Boston) (as a black woman) (with multiple degrees) (with a preference for black men) sucks. At 32, I find myself in a weird place in my life. I am too old to just be "having fun" with someone. And I am too young to be desperate. I have to be deliberate about my dating. Focused. No more playing games. God, biology, and my mother have made it very clear that I can't wait around for future partner to find me. I gotta be proactive in this day and age, if I wanna get married and have dem babies "all" of my friends seem to be popping out these days (according to my mother). Can't be the last girl standing on the dance floor without a partner with whom I can dance through life.

Finding a man black man (with a college education and a career) ( and no kids) (and not a fuck boy) is hard. They are either married, in a relationship, short, not ready to commit, not interested in black women, looking for side chick (or two), or asshole. And if you happen to find one that is single, he is the hottest commodity out there (and he knows it). You are competing with your best friends, enemies, cousins, sisters, and gold diggers with pretty faces, thick bodies, and no sense in their heads.

With all that said, I have been proactive in my search for love. I have gone on dates. I have let friends set me up. I have approached guys at bars. I have given my number to guys that I have met at work, school, and at social events. I have minded my social circle for "great guys" I overlooked or placed in the friend zone. I have dived into online dating --Match, OkCupid, BlackPeopleMeet, Tinder, Meld, and How About We. In some of these scenarios, I met some nice guys, went on a few dates, got to know them, and imagined what a relationship with them would be like. In other scenarios, I met some weirdos, freaks, and fuck boys who had nothing to offer me but a free meal and a funny story for my friends to chuckle over.

Since I turned 30, I have tried to be more open with guys. When I was in my 20s, I was afraid of saying anything about what I was thinking or feeing, unless asked directly, for fear of scaring a guy away. After too many tears, angry texts, thoughts of throwing bricks through car windows, and liquor-fueled screaming and crying (in public), I have learned that I just have to say what I feel. I don't have time for games and beating around the bush. Guys are not mind readers---forget what your parents told you about actions speaking louder than words. Words can be pretty loud. "I like you and want to pursue a relationship with you" is a very clear and bold statement. It cuts out much of the frustration, hurt feelings, and wasted energy. Plus, I have too many things to do in my life than to be acting out a Tyler Perry play with any man that does not want to be with me.